kansaj my faith

Zavtra byla voina

2008-08-01T05:41:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I watched a movie, and I like so much the word movie much more than the word film, because the movie should move you. And Zavtra byla voina did it. It is one of the movies, which I don't want to see again because of the simple reason that the second time, I know for sure it will be different, not the movie, me. With my new eyes I will search for different things, but the movement will be lost. What I experienced yesterday, was the drive for Life, the borderless feeling of the wish to live and the struggle for living. Some argued it was movie depicting Stalin's regime atrocity, but I'm not so sure. It was a story about what the human could do to himself. It is amazing that only the death was the last resort for reconciliation with human happiness. A bit of sad but true, a truth, which denial or absurd mystification make it untruth ...

about the innocent

2008-07-27T09:12:00.000-07:00

It is late in the night and the sea wave are smothering the sounds of souls and let them open to each other as a book which desperately needs to be red. And the white sheets relieves from the burden of the self , opening the soul, the body and the heart to experience the other . In the front of the black water, rend by the moonlight, the feeling for the other is embracing the self. It seems romantic, but I prefer another word, innocent. it is th relive from the future and the past, form the goals and hopes, the motives are clear and obvious, their selflessnesses is the other, his attraction in the orbit of the self, providing it with all and everything to stay there forever, cutting the other from its reality, showing him a path through the black water. The sound of the waves nears, te tides are approaching, but there is no dangerous, more a wish to embrace the water and take te path. The sky tells stories, the stars illuminate the black water, but there are far away, there is no need to touch them, only celebrate them. There is only one proximity and it is the other, proximity, which endless. It is a moment. a moment, which deludes us, that it will never finish despite of being finished right at its beginning, when the book was opened.

sometimes

2008-01-01T07:16:00.000-08:00

sometimes I wonder and sometimes I wish that I will be able to look at everything as a sort of exchange. That it could be so easy to know that in life one is not going to loose anything as long as heir something one gains, which is more valuable. But in my deep soul (whenver it is now) I know that it is imposible to set criteria which wil make it possible to to live in the dreamof th exchange, to sleep easy, knowing tha everything hat I did was for good. Sometimes, the system od the catholic church to pay for our sins, marking by ourselves the price seems so advanced that I, the one , who disdain it, think that there is s a hidden sense, to bring one to rethink its values and to measure it mistakes. But I say stop, because to measure through what you wish to spend is so ridicoulus, it dosen't birng our sleep back. Yes. it will so admirable that somany peope died for the fredom, for the country, but it is a fake, there is nothing that could b comparedwitht life and life could be not exchange for nothing. We ar so conctraed on career, home, love, fear, that I strongly believe that we forget that one day we will perish, of corse we will ahve the best sarcophague, exchange for our youth, soul, heart, will. Sometiems I'm surprised that we forget that there is tomorrow, but I understand taht it doesn't have value , it is so unsure. but that it is what makes our life genuine, the surprise, the unkown, that we are rady and happy to create and discover. Many people goes to church and I mena church, because for them the cathedral is the stone of security, it is so mighty, they could esxchange their fear for the mightiness of God or imagine people, who ray ion fornt of the huge mountain and meet the mightiness, the fearless of the mountain. But it is possible that we see God eveywhere, in the mirror also, their is no exchange for our fear, and we cannot leave them somewhere, we should carry with us or transfom them. And being so arrogant to pretend that we are not part of the nature , that whatever we are building is our and not nature, we forget to tranform, to look for the sensation of the new, to step forward with open eyes, not imaging, not dreaming, but enjoying. But someimes I meet people, who have the simple believe that they walk their way, and they will be not able to exchange it for anything, that the pervert word of freedom or love are only some traces in our tranformation of what we are and will be, so easy , so elegant, so much of moral ...

new year

2007-12-31T04:09:00.000-08:00

people should say resulotion for New Year!!! No, I say no and scream with all my voice! We need to wish :) Someimws the spontanoeuos feeling of miricale is much more sweet than the swt fruits of our sweat. But another year is passed and I should say that two of my most importnat wishes didn't come true: michel pfiffer din't marry me and didn't become writer, but I have anew bog site, my girlfriend left me and I'm far away from home. And for the first time since some years the last das fo the year are lonley and silent without the heart trembling, but niether tears, which two years were my true patnent. Let's say again nothing, but wait of course something left: a beatles song In my life and I enjoy it as never before, thinking how I'm buing the house of Ringo. ringo menas apple in Japan and as far as I rememeber (I haven't watch TV for year and half) the TV advertisment adores the apple, especially related to the idea how to have stong theet (hm recomended by dentists, probably soon the US president will advertise cars as symbol of the oil :). But let's stopp dreaming. Hallo please wake up, here is the messasnger, bring me the new mail for Georgia (Europe :). Let see the first glad lines of the letter full of joy and happiness that new year is comming, what was wih the old one, why I should not keep it!!, it as o painful, I will miss the pain (I hope, hope, hope, hope). Every new year let us with memores that we can never forgett, no matter what we do, thereour dreams and real colors of life, therfore I scream - never turn back form ywhat you belive, be faithfull, build briges. And yes Nabokov, I agree so much, the fear the greatest sin, there is nothing beyond it. Probably , I should departure dorm the flass with Vodka, but this the cheapest hing in Japan (probably because Japnese could not drink much), The world wish that we pay for what we wish, but sometimes there is the need als for visa in order to have succsseful flight :)
I wish you happy new year and watch out, it is do beautyfull and full of joy in our hearts. The only thing (yes ! thing) that we have and should keep it...

Dream

2007-11-18T04:23:00.000-08:00

I didn't sleep well, my past was commin back and tried to capture the present, to choke me and to let me cling to what I'm not anymore. The real challenge is to wake up, forgeting the reality that the dream was real. From ancient time prophets and later on psycholodgist was grabbing into the dreams, trying to read and decipher them, providing stunning intrepration of what we are, or what will be. But having the expirience the only preciou thing for the awaken is the forgetness, what in fact I think is the most powerfull fetaure of our being. In the same time I write about the forgteness of the relaity of the non-real.In the morning I was taking deep breathe, ran to take a shower and sat on the bad, without any trial of wish to have the day neither on nor off. Than my vanishing I, the joy of life, the joy of the morning light, trying to break the cloud defense, let me understand my inability and struggle to forget. My past in the midst of the dream was providing to me an image that not even existed, but full of images, which I know and which were no more here next to me, but in the same time playing my life in front of my closed eyes. I was able to penetrate my feelings blockade and to provide to me explantion, which I was nver searching for. I think every human life consists of options and alternatives and we, the human beings, are their masters and slaves. Most of the time we are hunt by the vision that everything has its price, form the need to set priorities and to follow them, but in a way it means that everything else should be rgarded as alternative and option. alternative because its not preset and option becasue we ae never sure if we are goig to choose it. Try to imagine two persons who are in love with eachothere, with their imaginable partner (in the same time he or she exists). Being in love is a condition of our being, so passionately and feelingsfull that is our preset goal, is a drug, whih is behind our very day life and night also. But being in love is a curse, because it requieres to mak form the world a place with imposible to handle rules describing alteratives and options. Morever, to make your self such a place. the opposition between option and alternative is the curse. Our imagination cerates visions, where everthing else, everything new is alternative an d could be probaly nver accomplish, our imagination doesn't provide an stimulus to innovate our life because there areno any more option or if we wish them we chould do the next step and redfine the alternative in options. And I relay think that it means to accept the relaity of the other beyound our imagination of him/her. I think at tha point we coudl sleep more easier. How long I don't know...

About the past

2007-10-27T05:49:00.000-07:00

In the time of my life, up to now, I fond out that people, forgetting the past, master the present and breathe easier in the future. To turn our look back from the past and not to remember is the secret desire for everybody who could not be clear with what he/she was or could be. I suppose that many Nazi officer lived so long on our earth due to the fact that they never turn back, forgetting the past, simplifying it to a story, where assessment and evaluation are not part of. I'm quite aware of the fact that living easier life is leading us to be more generous and patient, but an old wisdom, written by the Zen teachers always keeps me alert. No matter how many mistakes somebody makes, it is tendency the mistake to be repeated again and again, no matter the situation one gets. And than the Zen teaches that the way of the mistake is not the only one and the way to get out is not the only one, too. We should be always awaken and takes every decision we make as our one and only our one and learn it before it happens, recognizing the way and ourselves. There is building in Prague, where shield is hanging, where one could read "liudi bdete". I think it is our stake in the game of the fate. I don't believe that people are good or bad, there are both, and being blind for one of it, one could miss itself or the way, one is taking. Explore yourself and finding something you don' like is not a reason to suppressed, but transform it, because everything could be used against the goal its serves, when one directs it. And my message is to remember and to share, because our memories as experience are far mightier than we think and could help the world to be others. Every shared memory stops to be burden for the sharing one and transforms in challenge and requirement for the included one.